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Humor-SeniorsBack-to-Work-after 30 years - you gotta be over 40 to understand!
Senior humor that reminds us of the old days, or just makes my aches and pains of aging funny! FUNERAL EXPENSES?
A WOMAN AND HER EVER-NAGGING HUSBAND WENT ON VACATION IN JERUSALEM. WHILE THEY WERE THERE, THE HUSBAND PASSED AWAY. THE UNDERTAKER TOLD THE WIFE, "YOU CAN HAVE HIM BURIED HERE IN THE HOLY LAND FOR $150 OR WE CAN HAVE HIM SHIPPED BACK STATESIDE FOR $5,000. THE WIFE THOUGHT ABOUT IT AND TOLD THE UNDERTAKER SHE WOULD HAVE HIM SHIPPED BACK HOME. THE UNDERTAKER ASKED HER, "WHY WOULD YOU SPEND $5,000 TO HAVE HIM SHIPPED HOME WHEN YOU COULD HAVE A BEAUTIFUL BURIAL HERE, AND IT WOULD ONLY COST $150????" THE WIFE REPLIED, "LONG AGO, A MAN DIED HERE, WAS BURIED HERE, AND THREE DAYS LATER, HE ROSE FROM THE DEAD. I JUST CAN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE!"
Buddy Hackett - I forgot how funny he was! Risque', but funny! GRANDPARENTS' ANSWERING MACHINEGood morning . . . At present we are not at home, but please Leave your message after you hear the beep. beeeeeppp .... If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5 in order of "birth arrival" so we know who it is. If you need us to stay with the children, press 2 If you want to borrow the car, press 3 If you want us to wash your clothes and do ironing, press 4 If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5 If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6 If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home, press 7 If you want to come to eat here, press 8 If you need money, press 9 If you are going to invite us to dinner, or, taking us to the theater , start talking ... we are listening !!!!!!!!!!!" WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT? (Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds) Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other people's. A grandfather is a man, & a grandmother is a lady! Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them . They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money. When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars. They show us and talk to us about the colors of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks. They don't say, 'Hurry up.' Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes. They wear glasses and funny underwear. They can take their teeth and gums out. Grandparents don't have to be smart. They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?' When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again. Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us. They know we should have a snack time before bed time, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad. GRANDPA IS THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH! HE TEACHES ME GOOD THINGS, BUT I DON'T GET TO SEE HIM ENOUGH TO GET AS SMART AS HIM!
Research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.
As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I rapidly realized that I don't really give a rat's a**. It's the tortoise life for me! I'm retired. Go around me!
'I haven't left my house in days.
I watch the news channels incessantly. All the news stories are about the election; All the commercials are for Viagra and Cialis. Election - erection - election - erection - - - either way we're getting screwed!' -- Bette Midler.
Quickies I dialed a number and got the following recording:
( I LOVE THIS ONE! )
My wife and I had words, But I didn't get to use mine. ~~~~~ Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses. ~~~~~ Blessed are those who can give without remembering And take without forgetting. ~~~~~
The irony of life is that, by the time
You're old enough to know your way Around, you're not going anywhere. ~~~~~ God made man before woman so as to give him time to think Of an answer for her first question. ~~~~~
I was always taught to respect my elders,
But it keeps getting harder to find one. ~~~~~ Every morning is the dawn of a new error. ~~~~~ The quote of the month is by Jay Leno: 'With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, 'Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?'
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